Future Jon here again

Quick note. Since I've been blogging from the future, blogger has been putting all the most recent stuff from Present Jon down below. Well, tickle me pink, I realize now that in order to see present Jon's posts, you need to scroll under Future Jon stuff. Don't worry Mahoniacs, present me is still a blogging princess. Just scroll down to see what I wrote. Tootles ;)

From The Future

Hello, Mahoniacs. This is Jon Mahoney, blogging from the future. Seriously, check out the post time and date. Pretty sweet, huh. First I e-mailed present day Jon and asked him if it would be alright to blog on his present site. In the future, computers are able to break the space-time continuum. Don't think to hard about it, it will blow your mind. Anywho, I warned present Jon that he may not be keen on some of the future facts, but he said he wouldn't mind. At first he didn't believe me that I was actually from the future and that I was him. He asked me to prove it. After I told him that I slept on rubber sheets until I was 15, and had to wear a diaper from the ages of 6 - 12, he realized that it was really him. Whoops, that was pretty embarrassing, present day me will probably be upset, but oh well, he'll get over it. He'll probably forget all about this when he has that cheerleading accident that results in the loss of both testicles.

In 2010, you finally got to meet someone off the list that you published two weeks prior to this post. Lucky for you, after a long night of cheerleading coaching at the local high school (good thing that the whole Big Brother/Big Sister thing blew over), you decided to head out to your favorite bar, the Atlanta Eagle, and who was there, but RuPaul. Well, one thing led to another and you guys went out for some karaoke. It turns out that you'll be highly disappointed, RuPaul is not the person that she says she is. In fact, she is not exciting at all. Oh well, time to go back to the homestead. ;(

In 2018, you got the greatest gift of all, you got to be the coach to your twin sons (Francis and Gaylord Jon) made the Atlanta cheerleading squad in which you were the assistant coach, you unfortunately got demoted due to an unfortunate misunderstanding. Don't worry, you'll work your way to the top again. Anyway, they may not be your biological sons, (the cheerleading accident or as you dubbed it, the bankhead badness), but they seemed to have picked up your cheerleading skills. They didn't make all-state, but you're proud of them anyway. They'll end up both cheerleading later in college on scholarships. Also, they seem to compete a lot, especially in the Key West area. They haven't shown you any pictures or stories from the competitions, but you're sure that they're doing great down there.

Finally, in the biggest news of your life, in 2036 you are elected President...of the North American of Male Bandleaders Association (NAMBLA). Well, you don't actually know what the letters stand from, but you assume that its about Male Bandleaders, they're similar to cheerleaders. It turns out that they have been reading your blog for the last few years and are a big fan of your wrtiting. I like to have fans. Your presidency is a huge success and you are well liked. Plus you get to introduce many young men to the world of cheerleading. What a great role model you are.

Well, that's it from the future. I have to go back to my new job of taking artful pictures with kittens. Tootles ;)

I'm Back!!! Yay!!!! :)

Hello Mahoniacs, I realize that many of you have been wondering what has been going on with my blog recently, as I haven't posted in a while. Let me assure you that I am in good health and in good spirits. The truth of the matter is that my internet stopped working briefly, I accidentally spilled a wine cooler on it. Sacre Bleu, it was not a good sight. Plus, I've been unable to follow the current situation in France, which was quite bothersome for me. Also, as we all know, Gilmore Girls will no longer be on the air. I assume that it is because this show was so good that people who run television needed it off so that lesser programs on the television could have a chance at winning a Mahoney, the awards I give out every year. So far nobody has shown up for the ceremony, but they will one day.

Anyway, I have some big news, but first allow me to set the backstory. Amy, Cody and yours truly decided to take in a cheerleading competition. Afterwards, we headed down to one of Cody's favorite watering hole, the Man Hole. It was pretty cool, good music, lots of hot chicks (none better than the light of my life, although they were all dressed over-the-top and I think some of them were wearing wigs). Anyway, my favorite songs were playing that I love dancing too (It's Raining Men, YMCA, and In the Navy) and I was feeling good. Anyway, Amy and I decided to go home and do couples stuff.

When we got home I said that I was pretty tired and wanted to retire to my bedroom. Amy had other ideas though. She asked me if I had seen the Today Show from earlier today, which I replied I had not. She told me it was a good episode and we should watch it, she had tivoed it earlier that day. Well, we sat down on her bed and started the episode. Once Al Roker came on to discuss the weather and said rain storms were on their way. I told Amy that its a shame its not raining men and then started doing my dance moves (I'm quite good). At that point we started making out. One thing led to another and pretty soon we were nearly naked. At that point I told Amy that I wished that I was Al Roker. She asked me why. So I pulled down my pants and told her that that way I could call this my Roker Poker. I don't think I have to tell you guys what happened next. Anyway, I did not have my stopwatch handy, but I'm pretty sure it was also the best 5.376 seconds of her life. Anyway, after the 25 minutes of crying, which Amy told me is not all that peculiar for men to do afterwards, she told me that I had probably drank too much that night, but I'll be better one day. Either way, I'm an official man as of this week. I'm glad I could share that all with you Mahoniacs. Have a fierce and fabulous weekend, Mahoniacs. Tootles ;)

Greatest Show Ever Returns

Hello Mahoniacs. What a glorious day. Firstly, for the first time in over a month we had a new episode of Gilmore Girls last night. It felt just like my birthday, hence the picture. It was entitled Hay Bale Maze, and I'll let TVguide.com's episode guide take over the plot. "As Stars Hollow prepares for the annual Spring Fling Festival, Rory brings Logan home to see where she grew up, but there's tension in the air between him and Lorelai. Meanwhile, Rory waits to hear news after a job interview with the Providence Journal-Bulletin; April visits Luke and he adjusts to the changes that come with having a teenage daughter; and the town is up in arms when Taylor uses the entire festival budget to build a hay-bale maze." As good as the plot sounds, let me tell you that watching it was even better. This is really shaping up to be the Spring of Jon Mahoney and his kittens.

Anyway, after the episode last night, I called my mom to discuss the show, as I do after every single new episode. Eventually, the talk turned to my cool blog. She told me that she thought that I haven't been blogging as much as I have at first, and wanted to know if everything was alright. The truth is everything isn't alright, it's absolutely fabulous down here in Atlanta. Also, I decided that since everything is going alright, I thought I'd make a new list. I've talked about music, movies and television. Now I bring you literary information. Without further adieu, here are my favorite things to read of all time, let's take the usual four pack and increase it by 50% to make a nice round 6.

1) Us Weekly - Firstly, I was reading this all the way back when this was a monthly publication. Well, it doesn't pull any punches and is a solid read every week. Plus, it also has a website for cool guys like me who can't wait until Wednesday every week to get the magazine. I prefer to have a hard copy in my hands, but sometimes you can't hold onto the hard one and need to just look at the soft one online. Speaking of online...

2) Perezhilton.com - It is a fair and balanced site, plus the guy who runs it has nearly as good a sense of style as yours truly. Moreover, he really gets deep into Hollywood, just like how I get deep into the world of male cheerleading. Pretty much, we are two peas in a pod and are totally one in the same. When I make a list of my hero's, he'll probably be right up there.

3) Anything on Oprah's book club - Oprah Winfrey isn't just a pretty face who is married to the studly Stedmond. She also hosts a talkshow where she deals with the important topics hitting us in today's world. Well, on this show, she also discusses books. Pretty much everything on this book club rates a solid Two Gilmore Girls up on the Mohoney scale of literary greatness. I'm confident enough in myself to say that many of these books make me cry, just like my father did when I told him that I was going to the states for cheerleading. I assume that they were tears of joy.

4) The bottom line during E News daily - Sometimes I get busy preparing for work the next day, mostly preparing name tags for people who are in town for lunch meetings with our office manager. This can actually be quite difficult work, so I don't have time to watch the news like I like to every single night. Luckily for me, I can keep the news on in the background and glance up at the bottom line. It is important to keep abreast of current events, so I try to do my part. I think its my knowledge of current events that has made me the man I am today.

5) People Magazine - This is kind of like a more high brow version of Us Weekly. It doesn't quite have as many great pictures as Us Weekly. Also, there are some more human interest stories rather than just celebrity gossip, which I just slurp up like vanilla ice cream. That reminds me of a deep thought I had the other night when I was out at dinner with the Loadman. We had tofu ice cream for dessert when I dropped my ice cream on my lap. Well, before I started to cry because I ruined my new capri pants. Well, before that happened, I quickly scooped it up and put it back into my bowl, but there was residual ice cream on my pants. I wanted to know why it is alright to eat the ice cream that was still in my bowl, but it is not alright to take my pants off right there and slurp that sticky white substance off the crotchal area of my pants right there in the restaurant. I'm sure I'll never figure out that answer, aww shucks.

6) My own blog - alright, this one was a little self-serving, but c'mon this is a great blog right fellas and ladies. That's it for now Mahoniacs, I've got to get back to making dinner for Amy. Anyway, mailbag coming later this week, keep the e-mails coming. Tootles ;)

Friday Four Pack

Hey Mahoniacs. Sorry that I've been out of it for the last week. I suppose many of you have been sitting at home, quietly crying and sniffling as to why I've deserted you. I know that I can't walk down the street without being mobbed by people yelling obscenities at me. I deduced that there could only be two possible reasons for this. 1) I haven't been blogging all week or 2) People are soooo jealous of my awesome new pink capri pants. I'll let you guys decide in the comments section. Anyway, I thought that I'd make this week's 4 pack of my busy week.

1) Monday - As many of you know, I like to watch television, namely Gilmore Girls. Well, Gilmore Girls has been on repeat the last few weeks. So I decided to go over to the President of the Gilmore Girls Fan Club, Atlanta Chapter (I'm the Vice-President) to ask her what the problem was. The first problem was that her mother came to the door and said that she was at middle school Softball practice, but I could wait for her to get home. The heck with that, so I rode my bicycle with the streamers over to the middle school to ask her what was up. Unfortunately, the route I took was through a particularly bad part of town and some of the neighborhood kids jumped me and stole my bike. I called Amy to come pick me up. She told me that I need to be careful when I'm out by myself but said that she could come down. I was in a pretty bad mood after that so Amy decided to cheer me up by making me some tofurkey for dinner and my favorite dessert, vanilla ice cream. Finally she rented my favorite comedy The Birdcage. That made me happy.

2) Tuesday - At work, Cody said that there was going to be a special get together that night at one of his favorite local watering holes, the Man Hole, for people in the Rainbow network. He told me that I should go with him, and said that it would be a good time. I said I wasn't sure, because I was supposed to go flower shopping with Amy for our wedding. I wanted to get something that would be simply to die for. I texted Amy to tell her that we should delay looking at flowers because I was going out with Cody that night. She said that with all the time I've been spending with him, maybe I should marry him. Silly Amy, two men can't get married. She's funny, I'm so glad that we're spending our lives together. I can tell by the way she is looking at me at night that she probably feels that same way. Anyway, we went down to the Man Hole and those guys from the Rainbow network really can drink. We had so many wine coolers and shots of Peach Schnapps (I don't usually drink ethnic drinks) and I blacked out. Luckily Cody took me back to his apartment and I slept it off.

3) Wednesday - I woke up at the Loadman's apartment on his couch. I guess that Cody has a treadmill and some other gym equipment in his room because he and some guy from the Rainbow network were all sweaty when I woke up. They kept whispering to each other and laughing. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying but I heard Mahoney, tea bag, and sleeping in between laughter. I must've been pretty drunk that night because I don't remember having any tea when I got back to Cody's apartment. Also, I didn't see any coffee mugs lying around his apartment. He must've cleaned up before I got up in the morning. I was so hungover at work. Anyway, once I got home I was not in a blogging mood. I decided to just curl up and read the new issue of Us Weekly (fantastic by the way, there's some hard hitting journalism there). It was pretty much a busted day.

4) Thursday - This was date night for me and the future mrs. First we took in a movie. Amy wanted to go see the Reaping, but for obvious reasons (I like my pants) I vetoed that idea. I suggested that we go see Reign Over Me. I have this thing for Don Cheadle, he's such a talented and handsome actor. Well, Amy doesn't like Adam Sandler as a serious actor so we had to choose. We could've gone to see Blades of Glory, but I refuse to support a movie that makes a mockery of male ice skating. We decided to eventually see Shooter. Amy's got a thing for Marky Mark like I have for Don Cheadle and it was a solid movie. I give it two pom-poms up. Anyway, afterwards we decided to go out for ice cream. It was a very pleasant evening.

So there you have it, a week in the exciting life of the original Mahoniac. I hope you all have a fierce weekend. Tootles ;)

Mahoney Matrimony Mailbag

Well, its been awhile Mahoniacs and judging from the size of my mailbox, I can tell that you guys have been clamoring like crazy for another mail bag. So many great e-mails have been coming in, while one e-mailer with the address killercrossover10@aol.com has just been sending me hate mail. Mostly, it says I hate your blog and I hate you. There's no way to find out who this person is, and although I don't share your opinion (much like my mother, I like me too), I will slap fight for you in order to have the ability to voice your opinion. Anyway, onto what the french would call le bag de mail.

"Hey son. I'm really glad that you've decided to stop posting so much. Your mother says that I was little tough on you by disinviting you to Easter in Trumbull if you continued writing on that damn blog so much, but it had to be done. I said some mean things to you, but I'm glad you finally came around. Anyway, feel free to bring your future wife with you to Connecticut. By the way, your "friend" the Loadman still not invited. If you do another one of your damn mailbags please don't include this e-mail" (from Not My Father)

First things first, I probably shouldn't have put in that last line, but there's no censorship in the magical land of Mahoneyville. Just lollipop street signs and licorice driveways. I really like licorice. But that's not the reason that my posts have gotten few and far between. Firstly, I've had my mind blown from the fact that me from the future has been e-mailing me, and the fact that I did get my way with Amy (I wanted to name my son Gaylord Jon, its not quite as precocious as Lord Jon, but it is certainly unique). Secondly, Amy was working late on Tuesday night, her boss is sure working her hard. So the Loadman picked me up and we decided to have a guy's night out. First we went out for some drinks at one of my favorite watering holes, Hombre. When I have the first Mahoney Matrimony convention, all Mahoniacs welcome, I think the opening reception will be there. He bought me a couple of BJ's (Bartles & Jaymes) and then surprised me with tickets to my favorite show, the Vagina Monologues. Well, the BJ's that the Loadman had given me earlier had gotten me relaxed, but also in a crazy mood. I tried to sneak backstage so that I could meet the stars. Well, apparently they don't take too kindly to backstage sneakers in the theatre and I was punched about the face. Since I wasn't feeling as beautiful as usual, I was unable to get ready to blog. Thus, I have refrained recently. I promise to stop being so vain, and start blogging again, as many of you, other than killercrossover, like my writings.

"Jon-boy. You're list of rom-coms was spot on. I also find Freddie Prinze Jr. to be an underrated and underappreciated actor. Anyways [sic], I was wondering if you could put together a similar list of thriller/horror movies. That would be wicked awesome." (Not a handwritten letter from Nathan Higgins who did not dot both of his i's with hearts, he's so adorable)

Actually, I'm not a huge fan of horror movies. I believe that it all stems from an experience when I was younger. One day my dad came home from work and found me playing with my sister's dolls. He wasn't too happy with this situation. He said that he rented a special movie for me that day for me and him to watch together. That movie was Child's Play (http://imdb.com/title/tt0094862/). Well, after that I restrained myself and tried to play with my action figures more often. Anyway, to this day when I watch any sort of scary movie, I tend to lose some control of my bowels. Since I hate to ruin my awesome low-rise jeans, I no longer watch thrillers or horror films. Just rom-coms for Jon-Jon the blogging phenomenon.

"Boxers or Briefs. It doesn't keep me up at night, but you could say that I'm a little (bi)curious" (from Not Brian Minehan)

That's a rather personal question, but this is my personal blog, I suppose I can answer this question. I use to be a complete fruit guy (as in fruit of the loom). For a cheerleader such as myself, it is hard to do some of the more complex routines without proper support. However, I was out of underwear one day before work so I had to borrow some from my lovely fiancee. She likes to wear thongs. At first, I was apprehensive of this, but after about 5 minutes, I got totally use to it. And wouldn't you know it, it is a huge improvement over being the fruit that I used to be. Also, it doesn't leave as many of those lines that you can see underneath my clothes that you use to. It's a win-win. Now its all thongs all the time for me.

"I talked to my brother today. He said that although you're interested in becoming the male cheerleading coach for the school where he works, there is no such position at this time. They only have a cheerleading coach and since all the cheerleaders are female they like to hire a female coach. Also, they already have a coach in place, so there's no need for you to keep calling the school. Sorry man." (From not Colin Goodrich)

And with that e-mail, a small part of me just died on the inside. Let's do one last e-mail.

"Hey Jon. So much of this blog seems to be geared to the fellas. How bout doing something for the ladies?" (From Not my sister)

Alright, you asked for it, you got it. I think I'll post a picture of some beefcake for all you lady Mahoniacs out there. Let's say you start with some the brains of Dr. McDreamy (I know, its a fictional character, just go with me). Add in the body of a Matt McConaughey. The athletic ability and style of David Beckham. The non-threatening comedic stylings of Jimmy Fallon are put in the mix. Now let's just add the sensitivity of Adam Brody. Finally, let's throw in the masculinity of the a combination of Liberace and Greg Louganis. Mix that all in a bowl and put it in the oven, heat to 375 for 45 minutes. Let that sit for 10 minutes and what do you get. That's right.



That's for the ladies. Another great mailbag Mahoniacs. Keep the e-mails coming. Tootles ;)

Friday Picture Extravaganza

Since the other picture extravaganza went so well, I decided to do another one. These are some pretty pictures. It makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. In the immortal words of Whitney Houston, such a nice girl, I wanna dance with somebody. I really enjoy dancing.











Have a good weekend all you Mahoniacs. Tootles ;)